ongoing transformation
This is a bit of a ‘meta’ followup response continuation to what i posted the other day. If you haven’t already read my piece there titled emerging, it is highly recommended that you first do so in order that the below will make the most sense. Should you stumble across this page significantly later than early 2019 and find that there is more content on my tumblr page, just scroll down until you find the lengthy essay titled “emerging”.
i had originally composed that text with the intent of sharing it with Katie Mottram’s EmergingProud.com effort, and so there was an assumption that readers there would have already had some familiarity with her most excellent book: Mend the Gap: A transformative journey from deep despair to spiritual awakening. Hopefully without spoiling the book (because i highly recommend everyone read it for themself), i’m going to attempt to give a little of the background that my first piece lacked.
_Mend the Gap_ is a story that directly tackles the inadequacies of mental health care, specifically in Great Britain. There are many individuals, outside the professional world of health care, or around the fringes, who have made the point that many crises which have traditionally been confronted by the exercise of power (sectioning and the like) which usually includes heavy doses of anti-psychotic medication, were and are in reality potential spiritual transformations. Stanislov Grof is an early proponent of this viewpoint (who worked from within the professional health care field, though it seems as of yet, few of his colleagues have fully embraced his ideas). In _Mend the Gap_, Mottram goes on to validate the spirituality many patients embrace as true, grounded experience, rather than evidence of psychosis per se.
Katie Mottram (who has been wonderfully accessible, and very supportive to me personally since i reached out to her after reading her book) ended up sending me some guidelines about what her Emerging Proud effort required for submissions to be considered just as i was putting the finishing touches on what i thought i was writing for her. There were a couple discrepancies though between what i had written and what was being asked for:
My piece was a little too long, and as i had worked really hard on only including what i thought was relevant and had to be there, i was at a loss about how exactly i could possibly trim it down.
i wasn’t quite ready to completely “out” myself and had used a pseudonym to “sign off” (though it’s not really meant to “hide” my real identity, and i even included a link to my instagram where i use my real name). But Katie wanted a head shot included with the submission, and for whatever reason that made me uncomfortable.
So i immediately posted it to my tumblr account (because i really liked what i’d written and wanted to share it with the general public), though within a few minutes i realized that Katie’s restrictions in fact provided me with a great set of requirements to allow me to further distill my story. Though as of yet, i’ve not started on that effort.
These two “reasons” why i opted not to try and prune my piece down, snap a headshot and send back for Katie to publish via her excellent website under my real name overlap to some degree.
What i’ve realized is the core aspect of being too reluctant (at least initially) to share my writing in that way has to do with the nature of what i’m revealing about myself and my ego reacting to foundational structure that has been present in the pattern of my existence for almost my entire life just dissipating into an ethereal belief that i’ve essentially discarded.
PSA: There is no shame in
admitting that you were previously
speaking from a less informed
place. There’s a lot of info in the
world. No one has all of it. We do
our best, and at our best, we help
each other learn. ~@MsKellyMHayes via twitter
While i’ve completely embraced that idea with the rational part of my self, it’s not quite as easy to direct my emotions and ego to follow that same advice.
With the exceptions of early childhood and the times around my psychotic breaks, i’ve been a card-carrying member of the atheist tribe. Joining like-minded folk to mock and disparage Believers and their Deity(ies) were some of my favorite activities, as i/we leaned on the seemingly strong edifice of Scientific Truth, not realizing that we were just part of another cult. Science after all, when truly embraced, advocates for maintaining a truly open mind and adapting to new information and discarding the disproven, no matter how fundamental to past theories or thinking it might have been. And i’ve been made aware of many instances in which science is showing us evidence for what i would have once characterized as “woo”. As we learn more about complex systems, the shortcomings of the practice of reducing entities to their component parts and conducting separate analysis in order to reassemble a working model from disconnected aspects of the entire thing being studied become more and more obvious. To be fair, this practice was essentially synonymous with the very concept of Science for several centuries, and proved incredibly successful in some domains. Unfortunately many scientists (and an even larger group of laypeople) continue to cling to that outmoded way of thinking, wanting to apply it universally to every phenomenon we study. But the fact is that living beings, human economies, brains, climate patterns, ecosystems and many of the most interesting elements of our world and experience are absolutely not reducible to such a simplistic dissection, due to non-linear feedback, emergence, multi-level interactions and other known properties that have been revealed as fact via the rigorous study of complexity.
While i can make this case in a way that legitimately supports my position and observations, directly sharing my perception that messages from some Universal force are making their way directly into my mind is an act i’m not quite yet completely comfortable with. Human minds do not (at least mine doesn’t!) change radically overnight. And decades of previous conditioning and beliefs will not simply vanish from the substrate. Additionally i do have a fear (which is not completely irrational) that sharing my new perspective may cause some (possibly including members of my family?) to worry that i may again be descending down the rabbit hole of insanity.
This is where Katie Mottram’s example, of writing her story from her heart and pulling no punches with regard to the connections between what has been, and in many cases still is, believed to be mental illness and true spiritual awakening has emboldened me. Knowing that i am not alone in my “transition” to a new way of seeing the world that is ultimately more stable, resonant with reality and authentic has given me the confidence to fully “come out” as a Believer myself.
Authenticity is not a destination, but rather a journey.
Over the course of the last few weeks, i’ve become aware that i have a Purpose, which i’m still working on nailing down, but involves working along with others towards trying to improve the lot of humanity and the myriad species we share this planet with.
For almost the past decade, i’ve struggled to sort out exactly what’s been happening inside my own head, with respect to which ideas and thoughts are delusional vs which are rational. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that especially as my psychotic breaks “crested”, i had several truly delusional thoughts, most (if not all!) generated by my extreme agitation and paranoia. But i’m no longer convinced that all of the wild visions i experienced were complete fantasies, to be discarded and put behind me. In the time leading up to my first break in November of 2009, i was under the impression that the planet and larger Universe were coming to an inflection point with regard to various crises caused by the actions of humanity. This is not such an outrageous idea, but i also believed that the future of all existence depended upon my own decisions and actions (or lack thereof), which is on the face of it, pretty much the definition of a truly grandiose delusion.
Complexity theory tells us that everything is linked in systems of sufficient complexity, and i now find resonance with the idea that despite there being more than 7 billion other people on the planet, my actions can make a difference. Especially if i combine my efforts with others, which i plan on doing. So rather than try to retreat back into a position where i try to believe that my mental instabilities were aberrations to be put behind me as i attempt to reintegrate back into the norms of society, my firm conviction at this point is that when i went insane, it was a reaction to a reality that many of us are attempting to deny: the present course of human industrialized societies is unsustainable and currently on a path towards catastrophic consequences, a breakdown of staggering proportions and potential regression with respect to how almost anyone would define progress. If it’s a sign of madness to think that i can play a part in averting such terrible outcomes, then i will proudly wear the label: delusional. To bury my head in the sand like so many others are currently doing in the face of overwhelming evidence and attempting to continue living a life of denial and avoidance while simply grasping at more available resources on behalf of one’s self and loved ones is not an acceptable option for me. There are details around these issues that i need to do more thinking on, but i definitely will, and i’m convinced that we humans have the ability to right our sinking ship.
With respect to spirituality, my ideas are still in flux. Above, i mentioned that it’s not easy for me to change my thinking, nor is it something that happens quickly. Core beliefs are anchored in our psyches. With regard to thinking that i could perceive entities in the forest around me less than a fortnight ago when i was down in Sage’s Ravine, i’m still not at all certain what is and was real. It has long been accepted in philosophical circles that our perceptions are not to be trusted, but i find myself actually rejecting that idea. Stephen Harrod Buhner has written in a very compelling way about the heart as an organ of perception with its ability to generate its own magnetic field and interact with the magnetic fields of other living beings, both human and non-human. But even beyond these concepts, i’m finding that i have deep resonance with the thinking of indigenous peoples. After reading his wonderful book Of Water and the Spirit, my heart has been drawn towards the wisdom of Malidoma Patrice Some, whose descriptions of a Spirit Realm resonate deeply with me.
With regard to the idea of a Deity, i’m still not quite sure what i think. As i grew up, i found myself strongly rejecting the idea of a Christian God. Nevertheless, there have been devout Christians who i’ve met who i found worthy of my profound respect and admiration. My friend Sandra a few months ago brought the Center for Action and Contemplation to my attention, causing me to sign up for a weekly email from Father Richard Rohr. While the overt references to Christian theology still don’t resonate at all with me, many of the messages associated with Christianity (and other faiths) that i’ve found in these outreaches from this obviously wise scholar really do speak to my soul.
Just a couple days ago, long-time close friend Rudrani messaged me with a snapshot of a page from the Ayurveda book she was reading. It spoke to me deeply, despite my resistance at the prominent use of the word “God”. Here’s a transcription of that page:
Faith improves the quality of rasa dhātu and the moment
rasa dhātu is adversely affected, your faith is also affected. You
begin doubting and become skeptical. There is a difference
between faith and belief. Belief is personal. What you believe
binds you and blinds you. Belief creates groupism and leads to
division. The disease process begins in the mind, in your belief
system. However, faith is universal, because God is universal
and truth is universal. Faith is love and trust, and it can move
mountains. The moment you lose your faith, you will change
the quality of your rasa dhātu. Many people in the modern
world are losing faith. For example, people believe in their
nationality, and nationalism is a belief system that is the root
cause of division between one person and another. The global
rasa dhātu, the cosmic prāna, is deranged. ~Dr. Vasant Lad
I much prefer to translate the Deity into what is personal for me. All of the following work fine at present with my own mind:
Nature
Gaia
the Universe
Jah
Here’s a quote that i’ve seen memed about on Facebook quite a bit that i have zero resistance to:
Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible God and destroys a visible Nature. Unaware that this Nature he’s destroying is this God he’s worshiping. ~Hubert Reeves
After Rudrani shared the Rasa Dhātu: paragraph with me which is transcribed above, i have found myself thinking deeply about it. And as i made plans to write about it here on medium, i realized i would want to properly credit the author. But i didn’t reach back out to Rudrani immediately. When i eventually did, she replied that earlier in that same day she’d had a strong urge to take a picture of the cover of the book and share that with me that she didn’t understand and couldn’t explain (until i subsequently shared that i was interested in properly attributing the quote on the page she’d shared with me).
The thing is, until i read that paragraph from Rudrani’s Ayurveda book, i’d only ever considered the negative qualities of beliefs with respect to confusing them with facts. It didn’t seem to me that there was anything wrong with holding (even very strong) beliefs, as long as i realized that they needed to ultimately remain open to new evidence invalidating them. But in reality, there is no bright line between a belief and a fact. In some sense, all facts are just really engrained beliefs. Our minds ought to remain ultimately open to *any* thought we take for granted being open to change in the face of new evidence, including those things we consider to be “fact”.
So how to resolve this? Is there a viable path which involves faith? How can i frame my frustration with capitalism and overconsumption in a way that doesn’t consider this just another belief system of my own? Must i build upon my faith in Natural systems and the leaderless acausal emergence of complexity science in order to structure my thinking? Perhaps so. Accepting the tenets of True Science (not a reductionist mechanism that has faded into a historically outdated and severely limited paradigm with respect to understanding the totality of reality) is in itself an act of faith. Our faith then becomes evidence-based.
